I am happier now than I have ever been before.

This is everything I ever wanted and so, so much more.

How do I do this?

Alex doesn't want to live with my again until we both graduate.
I'm just heartbroken. This is what I've been looking forward to since May. Now I feel like there's no point in moving to Hammond or transferring schools or doing anything, really, because it's not going to get me where I want to be (ie: a lease with Alex.)

But I equally don't want to stay in Galliano and work at Sonic for the rest of my life. And I don't really want to be anywhere else, either.

I just was looking forward to getting back into the groove of living with my boyfriend, of going to sleep with him every night and waking up with him every morning. I'm so emotionally attached to all of his little habits that I won't get to experience from a separate apartment. I still can't remember to turn the lights off before getting into bed. That's Alex's job. Am I supposed to live for the next three years with the lights always on?

I'm not even sure where all of this came from. Last week, we were talking about living with Rob together. Now we're not going to live together until after graduation? I sincerely believe that he's just trying to slowly get me used to being on my own again so he can break up with me. It's becoming increasingly obvious that he's not into our relationship anymore.

And I'm just so tired of being confused and hurt and crying all the time. I just want my boyfriend. It's been so gratifying that, over the course of our relationship, people have seen us get through such tough shit and come out smiling. And I'm just so sad about so many things and I feel like I'm letting everyone down and like I'm fucking this relationship up and like I'm losing the love of my life to a steady downwards spiral of depression and inadequacy. I can't even get through a day at sonic without fucking something up. Do you know how many IDIOTS work at that fucking place? I'm supposed to be at least semi-intelligent, how do you fuck a job like this up? Anyone can walk a fucking tray of food out to a car and collect money. Why am I such complete shit at it?

I just don't understand how life could be so swell in May, and so shitty in August. I don't understand how long nights with Grace and Alex and laughter became long nights sobbing into my pillow. Where did this come from and how can I make it go away?

Things Are Just Really Fucking Hard Right Now.

I think about my mom a lot.
She has early-onset Alzheimer's, you know? She's about to turn 48 and she doesn't remember texting me last week about her trip to Missouri, she has to call and tell me all about it two or three more times, because she's not sure what she's already said. And it's just so fucking sad.

My step-dad abuses her. For a long time, it was physical, but he stopped when we left for that week back in Sophmore year. Now it's just mental and emotional.

And I don't even know how to explain to anyone else how all-consuming it is. My mother can barely go grocery shopping. Grady hates going to Wal Mart, but he also doesn't like for my mom to go anywhere by herself, because he's convinced that she's had some sort of boyfriend for the last decade (who apparently has followed her from Mississippi to Texas, even though she's "fat and ugly and nobody wants her but him.") So she has to, like, sprint through wal mart to find what she needs, get to check out, and get back home as quickly as possible, otherwise she "obviously" stopped along the way to have sex with her boyfriend.

My step-father is also a drunk, and is addicted to painkillers, which he is prescribed for his terrible shoulder and his knee problem.

And I just remember being on the Inside and seeing the dynamic between the two of them and understanding and finding it a little weird but otherwise okay. Now, I just don't get it. From the Outside, it just seems so twisted.

And, again, my mom has Alzheimer's. These are her last few years to make memories, you know? Really: this next decade will be the last one that she remembers. After this, it's all downhill. It's so sad to me that she's spending them with this man that doesn't make her happy and has never loved her.

Grady has stolen from my mother the best years of her life. They cannot be replaced.

I think that, from growing up watching all of this unfold, I have a lot of pent of anger and aggression towards men, and I know that I take that out on Alex a lot more than he deserves. But sometimes I genuinely see bits of my stepfather in him, and it scares me. I don't want to be like my mother. I don't want to wake up in thirty years and realize that it's too late to find anyone else, so I might as well hang out to the piece of shit I managed to snag. It's probably the most terrifying prospect of my life.

Mostly, I just wish that I still lived with Alex. Let's face it; my boyfriend is an asshole. It's a fact, not an insult. When I was living with him, he was around to hug and kiss me after hurting my feelings, and so there was no such thing as going to bed angry. But being a long distance asshole doesn't work the same way. I've spent so much of this summer just crying because of the hurtful things Alex has said to me. And it's not like he's acting any differently, he's just not here to see how it affects me. Normally, he can see the hurt happen. That's just not possible through a phone. And I hate to fight with him, but I'm also just so sick of crying.

I'm worried about furthering my relationship with Alex anymore, because I'm scared that if we move back in together, it'll complicate things with my mom. I sincerely believe that my mother will be living with me full-time before I'm through with college. Grady just isn't the nurturing type, and she's going to need more and more care as the years go by. So I'm trying to anticipate the bumps in the road before they get here, I guess? I just can't afford to send her to a nursing home, but I also don't think that Alex would be willing to live with his disabled maybe-future-mother-in-law. Besides how awkward it would be to be in a relationship under my mother's watchful eye, it just is weird to think about doing normal things like playing Zelda or cuddling or drinking or anything with Alex while my mom watches.

Maybe I'm just thinking things too far in advance?

I love you, blogville.

Thanks for ruining a good day.

I appreciate it.

Jerk.

Damn.

So close to twenty-four hours without food.

It would have been the first time in two years.

I know that eating is the right thing to do, but it's hard.

My mom's side of the family is filled with short, fat women, and everyone keeps jokingly remarking that I'm becoming one of them. It's all in good fun, but it really hurts. Even at the height of my eating disorder, fifteen pounds under weight, I wanted to lose more. No I'm ten pound OVERweight, and every day is a struggle to be okay with that.

And I just wish that my family would realize that there is a time for jokes, and that some are just not appropriate.

This is Unnecessary.

(really, I'm only posting this here because I know no one uses this site anymore. I just want to document my memories so that, hopefully, when I'm old and have grandchildren, I'll still remember.)

I met Alex the afternoon before my first trip to a bar/ the French Quarter. It was Decadence Weekend, but I didn't really know what that meant. I had gone up to my room to change, while Grace went over to either Danny's or Cody's room. We were going to meet at the Pussy Palace. So I'm walking up to the smoker's benches, nervous because the only time I went anywhere without Grace was when I went to class, and there are people standing and talking at the benches, and I just feel horribly nervous. One of the guys is wearing a black Pink Floyd shirt with gray jeans, and has sunglasses tucked into the front of his shirt. Looking back, maybe I was lonely because Grace had a boyfriend and I didn't. Maybe I was just ready for my first real relationship. I like to think that it was just "meant to be." I don't really remember our first words, or what happened to the person he had been talking to, but I remember snatching the guy's sunglasses off his chest and playfully starting a game of keep-away.

At some point, I turned my back on him. He grabbed me by the arms, pinned me to his chest, and demanded that I give them back. I did. He promptly sat down on the nearest bench, me in is lap. My heart was going what felt like a million miles a minute, and I know that I blushed. I may act coy and flirtatious, but this is not how I regularly behave with boys.

He introduced himself as Alex, and I introduced myself as myself, and we just sort of sat there for a few minutes quietly talking, me in his lap, until Grace, Danny, and Cody came out of South Hall. I immediately felt embarrassed as I realized that Grace, looking at this, must have thought I was acting particularly slutty. So I hop off Alex's lap, and we start walking in the same direction-- he to his car and me to Cody's. On the way, he offers me his cellphone. It's pulled up to his facebook, and the search engine.

Are you kidding me? Instead of asking me for my number, he wants to be my facebook friend? (I still think this was a super weird move on his part. And although he's never explained himself, I guess I get it. If a girl isn't willing to be your friend, she probably would have given you a fake number anyways.) So I add myself and walk away, thinking I'm never gonna see him again.

WRONG. The very next day, Grace needed to go to wal mart to pick up some groceries and her cinemark paycheck. I ask if Alex can come so I can get to know him better, but we quickly realized that her boyfriend, Cody's date, and the two of us fill Cody's five-seat car. I texted Alex to ask if he'd like to drive me there. He responded that yes, he would. At this point I was skeptical. I think I even told Grace that if I was murdered, she'd know who did it. But I got in his car, and we went to wal mart-- probably the most redneck first date ever-- and then we went back to his apartment.

At his apartment, he flips on the tv and we start watching MTV's silent library, easily the stupidest show ever. But Alex had this knack for making it funny, somehow. I remember really enjoying it. Then, out of no where, he's all, "Let's lay down, it's kind of cold in here and the blanket isn't big enough to cover us both sitting up."

I'm such a sucker, I didn't even realize what was happening. All of a sudden he's on top of me, kissing me, and I'm soooo nervous because this is NAWT what I had in mind. So I spilled the beans: "I'm sorry I'm a horrible kisser. It's been a year since I made out with anyone andI'mstillavirginsorry." It was so horribly embarrassing that I'm still shocked at how well he handled it. Alex didn't even blink. "Alright. Let's practice kissing."

So we did. During the commercials of Silent Library, so that actually watching the show was almost painful, just waiting for the next break so we could be kissing again.

My first date with Alex last thirty-six hours. He had to go home and get ready to be pledged into Kappa Sigma fraternity. When he was done, he came to my dorm room to spend the night. That first week, I slept in a shirt and my jean shorts-- belt and all. Eventually I paired down to pants and a bra, then to bra and panties. I did not sleep naked with Alex until after I'd lost my virginity. We slept in my dorm room for two weeks, then I moved into his apartment. It took Alex almost exactly one week of knowing me to ask me to be his girlfriend. I had sex with him a week and two days after that.

And maybe our relationship did move quickly. I can't say that I regret it. I spent my entire life distrustful of men, and vowing to never drink, use drugs, or have sex. Being with Alex has made me grow up in a way that I literally could not have accomplished on my own. And although he isn't always the best boyfriend in the world, I'm glad that he's the one I picked to have this experience with, and I hope that we stay strong for years to come.

Dear Blog:

I'm so sorry that I'm sad all the time.

I'm so sorry that I can't stop crying.

I'm so sorry that this is less a blog, and more a diary, just like every other social site I attach to.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Anorexic Again?

It's so hard not to have an eating disorder and be pretty. That's all I want, you guys.

Yesterday, some boy in the North Hall store asked me if I were pregnant. Excuse me? Last night, Alex mentioned to Eric that I've gained weight.

It's hard because there's always the part of me that WANTS to be anorexic, because it makes weightloss as simple as just not eating. I never got to the point of disgustingness during my stint with an eating disorder. I just got skinny.

People love you more when you're skinny. It's a fact that I think about every day. I feel so driven to love and to make people love me, so driven to find every possible way of improving myself to be more loveable.

No matter which corner I turn, this is always the option staring back at me.

today

I moved my stuff back into my dorm. Alex and I are going to spend the night there together tonight. I'm not sure about the rest of the week.

I think I may start sleeping there alone during the week, and at his apartment during?

I don't know.

It's something we're still trying to figure out.

After math homework, Marshall is coming over to help me clean my dorm. The floor is dusty and dirty from lack of use and I need help getting all of my clothes on hangers.

This is scary. But I think it's for the best.

I'm moving out of Alex's apartment this week.

It was, literally, the scariest and most heart-breaking decision I've made this school year.

We both agree that this apartment is just too small, though. There's not enough room for both of us in his bedroom. And, I've decided to stop cleaning for he and Eric until they learn to be less messy. It really is ridiculous how much of my time is set aside for cleaning this gigantic dump.

I'm really scared of this, though.

Alex and I moved in together as soon as we started dating.

I've never not falled asleep with him every night.

Mostly, I just feel like this is "the beginning of the end."

Like this is going to make us drift apart.

I don't want that to happen it.

I love Alex. With all of my small, crooked heart. And I just want to do what's best for both of us. But what I really want is to be happy, and I don't know how to do that yet.

I Know I Say It A Lot

But I really do love Alex. Even if we don't spend forever together, I hope that I always remember how happy right now.

Earlier, Alex turned to me and said, "Why are you always sad? You do it to yourself, you know. Your life is not that bad."

He's right. I have so many good people in my life. Grace is my best friend. Eric is my roommate. Alex is my boyfriend. I am infinite, and I can do anything.

I'm failing some classes right now. It's upsetting because I had bronchitis for a week, and it turned out to be a really important week, and it's really setting me back. I'm really disappointed by my performance so far this semester. But, you know what?

W H O C A R E S?

My entrepreneurship teacher last semester told me that it's a proven fact: Most A+ students grow up to work for someone. C- students grow up to own their own businesses. One of her former students, a woman that slept through every class and just barely passed, came in as living proof. She owns five cafes now. She didn't learn anything in college except how to think for herself and how to bullshit under pressure.

And I know that this is just an excuse for my bad grades. But I really do feel good about how my life is going to turn out. I know that Alex and Grace and Eric will probably not be in my life forever. Mishon used to (and may still) have this terrible fear of all of her friends drifting apart after high school.

Well, good. We all have drifted. I rarely talk to any of my once-best friends. I hate a lot of them, now that I can look at them from a distance. Some of them I never liked, I befriended them just because I needed a friend. I waded through a lot of shit to get to the three golden friends I have now. Grace, Alex, and Eric aren't my only friends, but they certainly are my best friends. I would give up any number of my old friends just to have one of those three be in my life longer. Jessica, Mishon, Kenny, my other MSA friends. Aiden, Lance, my other Gulfport friends. Almost no one I have ever known compares to my three current best friends.

And I will say this all again in a few years. When I've graduated from UNO and moved on to bigger and better things. It's unnatural to hold on to the past and to old friends. Everyone should break their own molds, go out, and do something different.

I am happy, blogville (blog city, bloghood.) (I love Ashlyn Ervin.)

I am so, so happy. And there is no former friendship, no former friend, no former group that I would rather share this happiness with than the friends I have right now, today, in this very moment.

T O D A Y

I was snooping around on my father's facebook wall and found out that he and Heather have broken up.

Mind you, this is the same Heather that is literally only four years older than me, that my father broke up with near the beginning of their relationship because she reminded him too much of me, that had his baby out of wedlock, and caused my little brother to lose close friends because they were preacher's kids and weren't allowed to hang out with someone who's father was living such a "sinful" lifestyle.

But I'M the piece of shit.

I'M the one who helped raise all of his kids until he disowned me.

I'M the one who became his maid at 13 during Christmas, Easter, and summer breaks.

I'M the one who gave up visiting my grandparents so that I could do both of the above things for him.

I'M the one that is turning out okay.

I don't know how Alex loves me, how any man could love me, when my own father doesn't.

And I guess that's why I hate him so much.

I can deal with his attitude, with his arrogance, and with his closed-mindedness.

But the fact that he cannot love me as I am, can only love the Me that he wishes I were, makes him unbearable to be around.

I can't seem to make people understand that I do not choose to be sad.

It just happens.

This is not a state that I'm satisfied being in.

If I could just "snap out" of it, I would.

This is not fun for me.

I just want you to know that I'm working on it.

Really.

College Games

Nothing in the world will ever be fair again.

It just makes me sad to think about all the truths no one will ever know.

I am greater than the sum of my parts.

I am.

I am.

I am.

And I am just so tired.

All I can do is sleep. Sleep, and hope for a better day tomorrow.

(it will never come.)

I am so grumpy, and I can't figure out why.

Today was good.

It was.

But what happened isn't what you remember. What you remember becomes what happened.

Goodnight.

poem.

I fell awake this morning

And found that the sun was good

Rolled over, discovered a man

And found that the man was good

Gavelost He stole my virginity

And I found that the sex was good

I was a child, a child, a child.

The man was still good,

The sex was still good,

But the child was not

And the mother, the father never knew

That the girl spoke so loudly

To cover the hurt the the

The bandaid never would.

I A M S O R R Y

For the sins commited in innocence

And my mother's bedsheets

For the silence that followed

And the life that changed beyond repair

For the man,

Who was not good

And for the sex

Which was not that great

On our lazy Tuesday afternoon

When the neighbor taught the child

There Is No God

Only tears. Only tears.

And that memories are forever.

There are days that I don't want to get out of bed. When the "a" key on my keybord doesn't work becuse lex dropped my computer. When I lay in bed because the blinds are open and the sunlight, although filtered, feels better than anything else will today.

I listen to Ashlyn's playlist that she sent me. The music washes over me like the sunlight, the sunlight tucks me into the covers like a mother, my mother texts me like a friend, and I have no real friends at college that I didn't already have. I have Grace and I have Alex and I have Michael and I have Ashlyn and that is enough for me.

And I've always laughed at the people who say that music is their life. No, it is not. Blood is your life. Food is your life. Water is your life. Your clothes, your shelter. Your education. These things are your life. Music is a part of your life, and maybe it is a big part of it. But it is by no means the biggest part.

I've always been extremely judgmental of other people.

They just bother me.

How can you not know your own faults? How can you not feel driven to improve?

What is the point of your being here if it's not to decrease world suck?

I hate people. I really, really do.

But I love them too. And I am hopeful.

And I recognize that even though I am hyperaware of my mistakes and my faults and my shortcomings, I am not any closer to fixing them than anyone else.

I don't want to be perfect.

I want to be the best that I can be.

I'm no where near that yet.

I could read more. I could be less judgmental. I could be less of a talker and more of a discuss-er. I could participate more. I could see me for how I am rather than how I used to be. I could give myself more credit. I could give strangers less. I could be more realistic rather than idealistic. I could cut Alex some slack when he messes up, because it's not his responsibility to always be right. He gets to mess up just as often as I do.

I could try to make friends. I could stop assuming that no one in college is like Ashlyn or Grace or Michael or me. Because no one is like them. No one ever will be. And that's okay. No one ever has to be.

I wish that I had tattoo money.

I would feel so much better if I had a physical reminder of these things.

Tattoos are just very important to me, and I feel the need to have one.

I don't know how else to describe this.

Also, these blogs usually end abruptly.

I don't like endings.

They're too much like goodbyes.

This Blog Is Brought To You By Nostalgia

I just finished reading

Will Grayson, Will Grayson and

The Perks of Being a Wallflower within T W E N T Y F O U R hours.

I devoured them.

They were both incredible.

You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.

That's beautiful.

That's honest.

That's what the world is really like.

The whole time I was reading Will Grayson, I was thinking about the world and how I am so small in it. It's a book that really puts things in perspective. I am Jordan Scaife, and there are a million-billion other Jordan Scaifes in the world, but none of them are me.

Isn't that wild?

You share a name-- the most intimate, vital part of your existence, the thing that other people identify you by, that you identify yourself by-- with other people, and that means N O T H I N G to the universe.

You are yourself.

So, last night, I learned a life lesson about being an individual. Coolbeans.

Perks of Being a Wallflower taught me how lonely it is to be an individual. No one is exactly like me. Therefore, no one quite understands me. No one will ever completely know me, my brain, or my heart.

And that's sad. It really, really is.

Because I have so many unique things to bring to the table, and you will only ever experience a handful of them. So much of me will always be a mystery to you.

You will never know me as well as you think you do.

And I will never know you.

It makes me sad. Sad sad sad.

But, I also think that trying to know people is important. Even if we are predetermined to fail, it is so important to try.

True failure is in the giving up of hope.

Success is in the chasing of it.

W I L D W E S T

When the end comes you'll see

Hydrogen electrolyzed

Amazing, you're amazed

At the cold you see,

The fire by your face.

Bitter blooms

Flightless skies

The fear the doom

It's no surprise

You realize there's no sense in losing your mind

Before your time

In order not to worry,

You write the words down.

But it's a fool's game and your game face is shameful.

So rise young sun, you're a tireless one

And you'll be back burning

When the morning comes,

When you catch my soul upon waking

Will you make a wish

For the wild west to accept the excess?

When the end comes you'll see

Fields of green beyond your reach.

And heartbeats...

So rise young sun, you're a tireless one

And you'll be back burning

When the morning comes

When you catch my soul upon waking

Will you make a wish

For the fool's game to equal his insane?...

I love Gregory and the Hawk.

This song is my life.

I Really Hate People, Sometimes.

I hate when people post facebook statuses about their eating disorders.

"I just might eat today... Maybe xD"

It's not cute. We all know that you're waiting for someone to post a comment telling you how skinny and beautiful you are.

But you aren't.

Anorexia doesn't make you pretty.

It just makes you sick.

And I just feel like not everyone knows that there is a difference.

Last night, I cried three times within twenty minutes over one thing.

When we were at wal mart getting water neutralizer for Eric's new fish, Alex and I found one of the betas in a cracked container. Almost all of its water had leaked out, and the poor thing was struggling to survive in the live bit that it had left.

And I just, I don't know.

I should have bought the fish, bought a bowl, and taken it home and cared for it.

Instead, I did the "right" thing and took it to a nearby wal mart lady.

Have you ever looked at someone and seen what they were thinking? This lady was smiling and nodding and "okay"ing me, but I could see that she was thinking, "Who the fuck does this girl think she is? I have better things to deal with than a stupid fish."

And I promise you that she ended up flushing it down a toilet.

As soon as I realized it, I just started crying in the middle of the fish aisle. Not like big, blubbering crying, just normal crying. Alex couldn't understand it, and I couldn't stop crying long enough to explain.

Because there are a lot of people in the world that are like that fish. They're struggling, they're do the best that they can, but somehow the water just keeps leaking and there's nothing that they can do about it.

And all of the other people in the world, instead of taping over the leak and pouring more water in, they just flush those people down the toilet.

It's not your job to take care of dying beta fish.

It's your responsibility.

Jitterjitterjitter.

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS.

ASDFGHJKL;

THAT IS ALL.

Wild West.

I'm not crying,

I'm not upset,

I'm not angry,

No.

No.

No no no no

NO.

I'm not sad,

I'm not regretful,

I'm not scared.

No.

No no no no

NO.

I'm not wishful,

Thoughtful,

Hopeful,

Crushed.

I am going

Going

Gone.

Sometimes, I Get Sad.

Right now, Alex and I are staying at his parents' house.

We're making cookies, because that's what his mom wanted for Christmas.

Later, we're moving back into his apartment.

Alex has to go talk to fin aid, because he couldn't pay his fees, because the bursar's office messed everything up, as usual.

And I have to set up the new, red, coffee maker that Alex bought for me.

We're going to sip coffee like sophisticated folk and lay on his bed and stare at the ceiling together.

It's going to be nice.

Things are nice right now.

Everything is going nicely.

But sometimes, I get sad.

I'm still debating whether or not I want to go to therapy.

Alex thinks I should.

But, we don't talk about it anymore, because I got mad and told him to never mention it again.

And I think it hurt his feelings, that I didn't want to talk to him about it.

Because you're supposed to. You're supposed to be able to talk to your boyfriend, or your husband, or your "significant other," or whatever about important things. They're supposed to be your support system. That's what relationships are about.

And I feel bad for saying it.

But, at the same time, I don't want to talk about it.

With him, or with anyone.

My mom still has Alzheimer's.

I'm still her favorite child.

Rather, I'm her only child that loves her.

It sucks, sometimes, to think about it.

My mom had three kids with two different men. And of the three, only one of them ended up loving her. I'm the only one that didn't turn out a failure (in relative terms, of course.)

Being in New Orleans without her feels like a betrayal. She's in Midland with a slowly deteriorating memory. That's where I should be, too. Taking care of her, the way a child should. It's why we have children: to have someone to care for us when we're old and unable to care for ourselves.

And I keep telling myself that I'm here, away from her, so that I can get my education and be better financially able to care for her down the road.

But That Is A Lie.

I could get my education in Midland. An apartment, a job, a life that runs parallel to her's.

That's what a truly devoted daughter would do.

But I'd rather live here, with Alex and Grace, and close to Michael, and far from Mom and Grady. I'd rather pay more money and see my mom less often.

And I keep thinking of The Perks Of Being a Wallflower, which I have never read but hope to someday soon, and its most famous quote, and how it seems to define me more than I would like.

Mostly, I just think about how, even though things seem pretty awful right now, everything will get better.

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad, and I am still trying to figure out how that could be.

I'm Going Back To New Orleans.

This time tomorrow, I may or may not have a confession to make.

Probably, hopefully, not.

But, life's funny and you never really know.

Mostly I'm just looking forward to hugging Alex.

I knew I'd miss him over this break, I just didn't realize how much.

There were so many times that I just really needed him. You know?

I haven't bought him a Christmas present, yet.

I didn't have the money to before the break, and I didn't want to have to pay to ship one to my dorm during it.

I haven't bought Danny or Grace presents yet, either, for the same reason.

So I have a lot of Christmas shopping to do, and that's pretty much my first order of business.

Also, Alex's parents are going to pay me to do odd jobs around the house for them, because Alex is lazy and won't do it for them.

Also, party in Baton Rouge on the fifteenth.

Also, moving all of my shit back into Alex's apartment.

Also, getting the pots/ pans/ silverware Alex hid in his room so that Anil couldn't fuck with any of it while we were gone (we learned our lesson after the Thanksgiving Break Fiasco) back into the kitchen.

Also, cleaning up the apartment, which is probably filthy because Anil doesn't know how to clean. (Well, that's a lie. Alex taught him how, he just refuses to do it unless one of us prompts him into to he. He really doesn't mind living in semi-filth.)

Also, finding out who ELSE isn't coming back this semester.

I'm really upset that so many people are leaving.

I feel cheated, somehow, by not being able to continue/ further my friendships with them.

It's not that getting to know them was a waste of time.

It's just unfair that I invested time and energy and emotions into people that I will probably never see again.

It makes me sad.

Grace and I have a new roommate.

I couldn't find her on facebook.

I hope she isn't creepy.

I hope she likes me.

I hope she likes Grace.

I hope we all get along and live happily together.

Mostly, though, I just hope I have a good semester.

I Don't Really Have The Best Family.

We all complain-- a LOT.

And we're all sort of two-faced.

My dad and step-dad are the worst hypocrits.

But, I mean, they pull through for me when I need them to.

They may bitch and moan about it, but it does get done.

My grandmother just paid the first installment on my semester.

Some things came up, and Grady was ready and willing to pawn some stuff to get it paid, but my mother's mom stepped up and did it for us.

And that's just really sweet, you know?

For the most part, we refer to her as the Grandmother That Doesn't Care, because it feels like she doesn't. Whenever we visit, she seems so interested in catching us up on everyone else's lives that she doesn't bother asking about our's.
But, in the end, she really does love me.

I'm her favorite, and only, granddaughter, and that does mean something to her.

And I guess what I'm trying to say is that life sucks.

My family is riddled with alcoholics, drug addicts, idiots, racists, and homophobic rednecks.

But, for the most part, they all have strong family ties.

Blood, afterall, is thicker than water.

New Year's Resolution, but not really.

This was Daniel's idea, but I agree with it.

I'm losing weight this year, not because it's a new year, but because it's a personal goal/ standard I'm setting for myself.

No more fast food.

No more UC pizza.

No more three hour naps in the middle of the day.

I'm going to try to eat more vegetables and less cosmic brownies.

It's about more than being skinny.

I want to be healthy.

I want my body to be healthy.

I've also decided to do a full body cleanse.

There's an online recipe for a beverage that, if used correctly, will supposedly flush out the toxins in my body-- from the pesticides used on fruits and vegetables, the dyes and chemicals in my junk foods and candy, and the fats in the fast food I consume.

It's a two week-long process that will hopefully jump-start my weight loss and encourage me to eat healthier on a daily basis.

So we have:

Starting weight: 140

Realistic weight: 120

Idealistic weight: 100.

See you on the other side.

Anger Issues.

I'm going back to New Orleans on the 10th. Alex and I have some errands to run, and then we're going to his parent's house in Mandeville.

My family still has no idea that I basically live with Alex, or that I am no longer a virgin.

I did, however, finally confess to drinking.

I even got drunk for New Years.

My new puppy has diarrhea.

She needs to go out every fifteen minutes.

YAAAAY coffee!

I'm really excited about this semester.

I think that 18 hours is more than I can handle, but I'm a rough and tough girl.

Besides, if I'm always studying, it'll force Alex to study too.

We'll both make great grades and be successes.

I don't know what I'm going to do this summer.

Probably get a job.

I'm trying to decide if I want to go to Florida with Ronnie for spring break, or do my first NOLA mardi gras. It's a toughie.

I'm so, so hopeful that my life is going to turn out fabulously.

Even if I have to deal with all of this shit, I know that there's a shiny future on the other side.

Robert Frost.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep."

I like this. I want the last two lines tattooed on my forearm. But with a semicolon rather than a comma, because semicolons are the unrequited love of my life.

I want "Wild West" tattooed on my collarbone.

It's from the Gregory and the Hawk lyric

"Rising sun,

You're a tireless one and you'll be back, burning.

When the morning comes

Will you catch my soul upon waking?

Or will you make a wish

That the wild west will accept the excess."

I think that, when you fall in love with someone, you fall in love with who you THINK they are. And then, later on, you have to fall in love with who they REALLY are. And, sometimes, you wish you didn't have to, because that first person is so much better.

And, to me, Meredith is singing about waking up in bed with this man that she's in love with and wondering which one of her he loves. And she's hoping that, if he hasn't already, that he will love her for her. And she's wondering if she'll be strong enough to leave him and find someone that will appreciate all of her. And she hopes that if she does change for him, that the parts of herself she lets go will be absorbed into some cosmic greatness, and therefore impact the world in some positive way.

Idunno. Maybe I'm reading too deeply into it. Regardless, I love it.

I want the silhouette of a seagull standing, with another one in flight above him, on my left shoulder blade. I've always wanted a bird tattoo, and this one just seems appropriate.

I want the words Great Perhaps done in white ink on my right, inside wrist.

I want something tattooed on my hip, but can't think of anything to put there. It's frustrating.

Give me more tattoo ideas that don't suck?

Iloveyou.