There are days that I don't want to get out of bed. When the "a" key on my keybord doesn't work becuse lex dropped my computer. When I lay in bed because the blinds are open and the sunlight, although filtered, feels better than anything else will today.

I listen to Ashlyn's playlist that she sent me. The music washes over me like the sunlight, the sunlight tucks me into the covers like a mother, my mother texts me like a friend, and I have no real friends at college that I didn't already have. I have Grace and I have Alex and I have Michael and I have Ashlyn and that is enough for me.

And I've always laughed at the people who say that music is their life. No, it is not. Blood is your life. Food is your life. Water is your life. Your clothes, your shelter. Your education. These things are your life. Music is a part of your life, and maybe it is a big part of it. But it is by no means the biggest part.

I've always been extremely judgmental of other people.

They just bother me.

How can you not know your own faults? How can you not feel driven to improve?

What is the point of your being here if it's not to decrease world suck?

I hate people. I really, really do.

But I love them too. And I am hopeful.

And I recognize that even though I am hyperaware of my mistakes and my faults and my shortcomings, I am not any closer to fixing them than anyone else.

I don't want to be perfect.

I want to be the best that I can be.

I'm no where near that yet.

I could read more. I could be less judgmental. I could be less of a talker and more of a discuss-er. I could participate more. I could see me for how I am rather than how I used to be. I could give myself more credit. I could give strangers less. I could be more realistic rather than idealistic. I could cut Alex some slack when he messes up, because it's not his responsibility to always be right. He gets to mess up just as often as I do.

I could try to make friends. I could stop assuming that no one in college is like Ashlyn or Grace or Michael or me. Because no one is like them. No one ever will be. And that's okay. No one ever has to be.

I wish that I had tattoo money.

I would feel so much better if I had a physical reminder of these things.

Tattoos are just very important to me, and I feel the need to have one.

I don't know how else to describe this.

Also, these blogs usually end abruptly.

I don't like endings.

They're too much like goodbyes.