Alex doesn't want to live with my again until we both graduate.
I'm just heartbroken. This is what I've been looking forward to since May. Now I feel like there's no point in moving to Hammond or transferring schools or doing anything, really, because it's not going to get me where I want to be (ie: a lease with Alex.)

But I equally don't want to stay in Galliano and work at Sonic for the rest of my life. And I don't really want to be anywhere else, either.

I just was looking forward to getting back into the groove of living with my boyfriend, of going to sleep with him every night and waking up with him every morning. I'm so emotionally attached to all of his little habits that I won't get to experience from a separate apartment. I still can't remember to turn the lights off before getting into bed. That's Alex's job. Am I supposed to live for the next three years with the lights always on?

I'm not even sure where all of this came from. Last week, we were talking about living with Rob together. Now we're not going to live together until after graduation? I sincerely believe that he's just trying to slowly get me used to being on my own again so he can break up with me. It's becoming increasingly obvious that he's not into our relationship anymore.

And I'm just so tired of being confused and hurt and crying all the time. I just want my boyfriend. It's been so gratifying that, over the course of our relationship, people have seen us get through such tough shit and come out smiling. And I'm just so sad about so many things and I feel like I'm letting everyone down and like I'm fucking this relationship up and like I'm losing the love of my life to a steady downwards spiral of depression and inadequacy. I can't even get through a day at sonic without fucking something up. Do you know how many IDIOTS work at that fucking place? I'm supposed to be at least semi-intelligent, how do you fuck a job like this up? Anyone can walk a fucking tray of food out to a car and collect money. Why am I such complete shit at it?

I just don't understand how life could be so swell in May, and so shitty in August. I don't understand how long nights with Grace and Alex and laughter became long nights sobbing into my pillow. Where did this come from and how can I make it go away?