I Don't Understand Anything.

I have no one to cry to, this time.

Realizing that almost made me burst into tears.

I'm thirteen hours away from anyone even slightly comforting.

I think Alex is mad at me for taking a facebook joke too far.

I think Michael is slowly letting me fade out of his life.

I think Grace is growing to dislike me and my new bitchy attitude.

I think my mom has gotten sicker since I've been here.

I think I've gotten sicker since I've been here.

I don't know how to be around my parents and not regress to the worst parts of my childhood. I don't know how to stand up to my father. I don't know how to make my little brother stand up for himself, or how to talk sense into my older brother.

My worst fear is that I'll get a call from my grandmother saying that Heather left my father and he got custody of the baby and to please come home for a few weeks to help everybody settle down. Because I'll never leave. I'll spend the rest of my life in Many, raising my father's children for him. Looking down a steady line of mistakes, I'll tell myself, "I'll go back to school next year," but it will be another empty promise.

I'm not going to counseling. I lied to you. I'm sorry.

I'm never going to get better-- to resolve my past and move on into a brighter future.

My abuse will always haunt me.

There will never be a day that I don't relive it, and wonder what I could have done differently.

There will never be a day that I don't regret not dropping out of high school to become my little brothers' new mom.

There will never be a day that I don't look at Alex and simultaneously wonder if I'm worthy of him, of if I am just settling for second best.

There will never be a day that I look at my mother with respect.

And, you know what? That's just going to have to be okay.

My other worst fear is that the call will never come, and I will have to be responsible for my own life and decisions.

How do people grow up?

When does one become an adult?

When do I stop being a college student and become an educated adult?

I haven't figured out any of the problems that looked so simple just a few weeks ago.

I don't know how to heal.

I just use bandaids, and hope that someone will eventually take good enough care of me for me that I'll be able to just forget the experience altogether.

The truth is that I don't want to grow up.

It's too hard.

It's too sad.

It's too long a process.

And I just don't care enough to do it.

I'm sorry that I'm a bad girlfriend/ friend/ sister.

I'll do better, someday.