I've decided not to like my father.
I still love him, because he's my daddy, and so he'll always be precisely one half of me. But I will not laugh at his stupid jokes anymore. I will not ride in the car and introduce him to new bands that I know will be on the radio within the month. I will not make any attempts to make him proud of/ pleased with me.
I am not planning on communicating with my father more than absolutely necessary within the scope of my adult life.
I am not coming "home" for Christmas.
I will call my granny regularly, but I will probably always send my daddy to voicemail.
My daddy repeats that I'm lucky he's not the type of dad his father was.
And I don't know how to tell him that he is, he's the exact same.
Studies show that beating your kids can be less damaging than talking down to them. A bruise fades. "Why can't you do anything right?" lasts forever.
And I guess I'm blogging this because in a few months I'll be 18, and I will have the right to leave and never look back. But I'm so scared that in that final, important moment where I say "Fuck you, I never want to see you again," I'll crumble and cry and never go anywhere ever again.
I want you to know that I'm leaving.
Because telling you makes it a promise from me to you.
And I will not let you down.
I can't read these without nearly crying. Life really sucks, and as teens, we look at these points in the future with hope--thinking maybe then, things will get better.
ReplyDeleteWe're wasting the "best years of our lives" (apparently) waiting for tomorrow.