I Really Hate People, Sometimes.

I hate when people post facebook statuses about their eating disorders.

"I just might eat today... Maybe xD"

It's not cute. We all know that you're waiting for someone to post a comment telling you how skinny and beautiful you are.

But you aren't.

Anorexia doesn't make you pretty.

It just makes you sick.

And I just feel like not everyone knows that there is a difference.

Last night, I cried three times within twenty minutes over one thing.

When we were at wal mart getting water neutralizer for Eric's new fish, Alex and I found one of the betas in a cracked container. Almost all of its water had leaked out, and the poor thing was struggling to survive in the live bit that it had left.

And I just, I don't know.

I should have bought the fish, bought a bowl, and taken it home and cared for it.

Instead, I did the "right" thing and took it to a nearby wal mart lady.

Have you ever looked at someone and seen what they were thinking? This lady was smiling and nodding and "okay"ing me, but I could see that she was thinking, "Who the fuck does this girl think she is? I have better things to deal with than a stupid fish."

And I promise you that she ended up flushing it down a toilet.

As soon as I realized it, I just started crying in the middle of the fish aisle. Not like big, blubbering crying, just normal crying. Alex couldn't understand it, and I couldn't stop crying long enough to explain.

Because there are a lot of people in the world that are like that fish. They're struggling, they're do the best that they can, but somehow the water just keeps leaking and there's nothing that they can do about it.

And all of the other people in the world, instead of taping over the leak and pouring more water in, they just flush those people down the toilet.

It's not your job to take care of dying beta fish.

It's your responsibility.

Jitterjitterjitter.

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS.

ASDFGHJKL;

THAT IS ALL.

Wild West.

I'm not crying,

I'm not upset,

I'm not angry,

No.

No.

No no no no

NO.

I'm not sad,

I'm not regretful,

I'm not scared.

No.

No no no no

NO.

I'm not wishful,

Thoughtful,

Hopeful,

Crushed.

I am going

Going

Gone.

Sometimes, I Get Sad.

Right now, Alex and I are staying at his parents' house.

We're making cookies, because that's what his mom wanted for Christmas.

Later, we're moving back into his apartment.

Alex has to go talk to fin aid, because he couldn't pay his fees, because the bursar's office messed everything up, as usual.

And I have to set up the new, red, coffee maker that Alex bought for me.

We're going to sip coffee like sophisticated folk and lay on his bed and stare at the ceiling together.

It's going to be nice.

Things are nice right now.

Everything is going nicely.

But sometimes, I get sad.

I'm still debating whether or not I want to go to therapy.

Alex thinks I should.

But, we don't talk about it anymore, because I got mad and told him to never mention it again.

And I think it hurt his feelings, that I didn't want to talk to him about it.

Because you're supposed to. You're supposed to be able to talk to your boyfriend, or your husband, or your "significant other," or whatever about important things. They're supposed to be your support system. That's what relationships are about.

And I feel bad for saying it.

But, at the same time, I don't want to talk about it.

With him, or with anyone.

My mom still has Alzheimer's.

I'm still her favorite child.

Rather, I'm her only child that loves her.

It sucks, sometimes, to think about it.

My mom had three kids with two different men. And of the three, only one of them ended up loving her. I'm the only one that didn't turn out a failure (in relative terms, of course.)

Being in New Orleans without her feels like a betrayal. She's in Midland with a slowly deteriorating memory. That's where I should be, too. Taking care of her, the way a child should. It's why we have children: to have someone to care for us when we're old and unable to care for ourselves.

And I keep telling myself that I'm here, away from her, so that I can get my education and be better financially able to care for her down the road.

But That Is A Lie.

I could get my education in Midland. An apartment, a job, a life that runs parallel to her's.

That's what a truly devoted daughter would do.

But I'd rather live here, with Alex and Grace, and close to Michael, and far from Mom and Grady. I'd rather pay more money and see my mom less often.

And I keep thinking of The Perks Of Being a Wallflower, which I have never read but hope to someday soon, and its most famous quote, and how it seems to define me more than I would like.

Mostly, I just think about how, even though things seem pretty awful right now, everything will get better.

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad, and I am still trying to figure out how that could be.

I'm Going Back To New Orleans.

This time tomorrow, I may or may not have a confession to make.

Probably, hopefully, not.

But, life's funny and you never really know.

Mostly I'm just looking forward to hugging Alex.

I knew I'd miss him over this break, I just didn't realize how much.

There were so many times that I just really needed him. You know?

I haven't bought him a Christmas present, yet.

I didn't have the money to before the break, and I didn't want to have to pay to ship one to my dorm during it.

I haven't bought Danny or Grace presents yet, either, for the same reason.

So I have a lot of Christmas shopping to do, and that's pretty much my first order of business.

Also, Alex's parents are going to pay me to do odd jobs around the house for them, because Alex is lazy and won't do it for them.

Also, party in Baton Rouge on the fifteenth.

Also, moving all of my shit back into Alex's apartment.

Also, getting the pots/ pans/ silverware Alex hid in his room so that Anil couldn't fuck with any of it while we were gone (we learned our lesson after the Thanksgiving Break Fiasco) back into the kitchen.

Also, cleaning up the apartment, which is probably filthy because Anil doesn't know how to clean. (Well, that's a lie. Alex taught him how, he just refuses to do it unless one of us prompts him into to he. He really doesn't mind living in semi-filth.)

Also, finding out who ELSE isn't coming back this semester.

I'm really upset that so many people are leaving.

I feel cheated, somehow, by not being able to continue/ further my friendships with them.

It's not that getting to know them was a waste of time.

It's just unfair that I invested time and energy and emotions into people that I will probably never see again.

It makes me sad.

Grace and I have a new roommate.

I couldn't find her on facebook.

I hope she isn't creepy.

I hope she likes me.

I hope she likes Grace.

I hope we all get along and live happily together.

Mostly, though, I just hope I have a good semester.

I Don't Really Have The Best Family.

We all complain-- a LOT.

And we're all sort of two-faced.

My dad and step-dad are the worst hypocrits.

But, I mean, they pull through for me when I need them to.

They may bitch and moan about it, but it does get done.

My grandmother just paid the first installment on my semester.

Some things came up, and Grady was ready and willing to pawn some stuff to get it paid, but my mother's mom stepped up and did it for us.

And that's just really sweet, you know?

For the most part, we refer to her as the Grandmother That Doesn't Care, because it feels like she doesn't. Whenever we visit, she seems so interested in catching us up on everyone else's lives that she doesn't bother asking about our's.
But, in the end, she really does love me.

I'm her favorite, and only, granddaughter, and that does mean something to her.

And I guess what I'm trying to say is that life sucks.

My family is riddled with alcoholics, drug addicts, idiots, racists, and homophobic rednecks.

But, for the most part, they all have strong family ties.

Blood, afterall, is thicker than water.

New Year's Resolution, but not really.

This was Daniel's idea, but I agree with it.

I'm losing weight this year, not because it's a new year, but because it's a personal goal/ standard I'm setting for myself.

No more fast food.

No more UC pizza.

No more three hour naps in the middle of the day.

I'm going to try to eat more vegetables and less cosmic brownies.

It's about more than being skinny.

I want to be healthy.

I want my body to be healthy.

I've also decided to do a full body cleanse.

There's an online recipe for a beverage that, if used correctly, will supposedly flush out the toxins in my body-- from the pesticides used on fruits and vegetables, the dyes and chemicals in my junk foods and candy, and the fats in the fast food I consume.

It's a two week-long process that will hopefully jump-start my weight loss and encourage me to eat healthier on a daily basis.

So we have:

Starting weight: 140

Realistic weight: 120

Idealistic weight: 100.

See you on the other side.

Anger Issues.

I'm going back to New Orleans on the 10th. Alex and I have some errands to run, and then we're going to his parent's house in Mandeville.

My family still has no idea that I basically live with Alex, or that I am no longer a virgin.

I did, however, finally confess to drinking.

I even got drunk for New Years.

My new puppy has diarrhea.

She needs to go out every fifteen minutes.

YAAAAY coffee!

I'm really excited about this semester.

I think that 18 hours is more than I can handle, but I'm a rough and tough girl.

Besides, if I'm always studying, it'll force Alex to study too.

We'll both make great grades and be successes.

I don't know what I'm going to do this summer.

Probably get a job.

I'm trying to decide if I want to go to Florida with Ronnie for spring break, or do my first NOLA mardi gras. It's a toughie.

I'm so, so hopeful that my life is going to turn out fabulously.

Even if I have to deal with all of this shit, I know that there's a shiny future on the other side.

Robert Frost.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep."

I like this. I want the last two lines tattooed on my forearm. But with a semicolon rather than a comma, because semicolons are the unrequited love of my life.

I want "Wild West" tattooed on my collarbone.

It's from the Gregory and the Hawk lyric

"Rising sun,

You're a tireless one and you'll be back, burning.

When the morning comes

Will you catch my soul upon waking?

Or will you make a wish

That the wild west will accept the excess."

I think that, when you fall in love with someone, you fall in love with who you THINK they are. And then, later on, you have to fall in love with who they REALLY are. And, sometimes, you wish you didn't have to, because that first person is so much better.

And, to me, Meredith is singing about waking up in bed with this man that she's in love with and wondering which one of her he loves. And she's hoping that, if he hasn't already, that he will love her for her. And she's wondering if she'll be strong enough to leave him and find someone that will appreciate all of her. And she hopes that if she does change for him, that the parts of herself she lets go will be absorbed into some cosmic greatness, and therefore impact the world in some positive way.

Idunno. Maybe I'm reading too deeply into it. Regardless, I love it.

I want the silhouette of a seagull standing, with another one in flight above him, on my left shoulder blade. I've always wanted a bird tattoo, and this one just seems appropriate.

I want the words Great Perhaps done in white ink on my right, inside wrist.

I want something tattooed on my hip, but can't think of anything to put there. It's frustrating.

Give me more tattoo ideas that don't suck?

Iloveyou.