today

I moved my stuff back into my dorm. Alex and I are going to spend the night there together tonight. I'm not sure about the rest of the week.

I think I may start sleeping there alone during the week, and at his apartment during?

I don't know.

It's something we're still trying to figure out.

After math homework, Marshall is coming over to help me clean my dorm. The floor is dusty and dirty from lack of use and I need help getting all of my clothes on hangers.

This is scary. But I think it's for the best.

I'm moving out of Alex's apartment this week.

It was, literally, the scariest and most heart-breaking decision I've made this school year.

We both agree that this apartment is just too small, though. There's not enough room for both of us in his bedroom. And, I've decided to stop cleaning for he and Eric until they learn to be less messy. It really is ridiculous how much of my time is set aside for cleaning this gigantic dump.

I'm really scared of this, though.

Alex and I moved in together as soon as we started dating.

I've never not falled asleep with him every night.

Mostly, I just feel like this is "the beginning of the end."

Like this is going to make us drift apart.

I don't want that to happen it.

I love Alex. With all of my small, crooked heart. And I just want to do what's best for both of us. But what I really want is to be happy, and I don't know how to do that yet.

I Know I Say It A Lot

But I really do love Alex. Even if we don't spend forever together, I hope that I always remember how happy right now.

Earlier, Alex turned to me and said, "Why are you always sad? You do it to yourself, you know. Your life is not that bad."

He's right. I have so many good people in my life. Grace is my best friend. Eric is my roommate. Alex is my boyfriend. I am infinite, and I can do anything.

I'm failing some classes right now. It's upsetting because I had bronchitis for a week, and it turned out to be a really important week, and it's really setting me back. I'm really disappointed by my performance so far this semester. But, you know what?

W H O C A R E S?

My entrepreneurship teacher last semester told me that it's a proven fact: Most A+ students grow up to work for someone. C- students grow up to own their own businesses. One of her former students, a woman that slept through every class and just barely passed, came in as living proof. She owns five cafes now. She didn't learn anything in college except how to think for herself and how to bullshit under pressure.

And I know that this is just an excuse for my bad grades. But I really do feel good about how my life is going to turn out. I know that Alex and Grace and Eric will probably not be in my life forever. Mishon used to (and may still) have this terrible fear of all of her friends drifting apart after high school.

Well, good. We all have drifted. I rarely talk to any of my once-best friends. I hate a lot of them, now that I can look at them from a distance. Some of them I never liked, I befriended them just because I needed a friend. I waded through a lot of shit to get to the three golden friends I have now. Grace, Alex, and Eric aren't my only friends, but they certainly are my best friends. I would give up any number of my old friends just to have one of those three be in my life longer. Jessica, Mishon, Kenny, my other MSA friends. Aiden, Lance, my other Gulfport friends. Almost no one I have ever known compares to my three current best friends.

And I will say this all again in a few years. When I've graduated from UNO and moved on to bigger and better things. It's unnatural to hold on to the past and to old friends. Everyone should break their own molds, go out, and do something different.

I am happy, blogville (blog city, bloghood.) (I love Ashlyn Ervin.)

I am so, so happy. And there is no former friendship, no former friend, no former group that I would rather share this happiness with than the friends I have right now, today, in this very moment.

T O D A Y

I was snooping around on my father's facebook wall and found out that he and Heather have broken up.

Mind you, this is the same Heather that is literally only four years older than me, that my father broke up with near the beginning of their relationship because she reminded him too much of me, that had his baby out of wedlock, and caused my little brother to lose close friends because they were preacher's kids and weren't allowed to hang out with someone who's father was living such a "sinful" lifestyle.

But I'M the piece of shit.

I'M the one who helped raise all of his kids until he disowned me.

I'M the one who became his maid at 13 during Christmas, Easter, and summer breaks.

I'M the one who gave up visiting my grandparents so that I could do both of the above things for him.

I'M the one that is turning out okay.

I don't know how Alex loves me, how any man could love me, when my own father doesn't.

And I guess that's why I hate him so much.

I can deal with his attitude, with his arrogance, and with his closed-mindedness.

But the fact that he cannot love me as I am, can only love the Me that he wishes I were, makes him unbearable to be around.

I can't seem to make people understand that I do not choose to be sad.

It just happens.

This is not a state that I'm satisfied being in.

If I could just "snap out" of it, I would.

This is not fun for me.

I just want you to know that I'm working on it.

Really.