College Games

Nothing in the world will ever be fair again.

It just makes me sad to think about all the truths no one will ever know.

I am greater than the sum of my parts.

I am.

I am.

I am.

And I am just so tired.

All I can do is sleep. Sleep, and hope for a better day tomorrow.

(it will never come.)

I am so grumpy, and I can't figure out why.

Today was good.

It was.

But what happened isn't what you remember. What you remember becomes what happened.

Goodnight.

poem.

I fell awake this morning

And found that the sun was good

Rolled over, discovered a man

And found that the man was good

Gavelost He stole my virginity

And I found that the sex was good

I was a child, a child, a child.

The man was still good,

The sex was still good,

But the child was not

And the mother, the father never knew

That the girl spoke so loudly

To cover the hurt the the

The bandaid never would.

I A M S O R R Y

For the sins commited in innocence

And my mother's bedsheets

For the silence that followed

And the life that changed beyond repair

For the man,

Who was not good

And for the sex

Which was not that great

On our lazy Tuesday afternoon

When the neighbor taught the child

There Is No God

Only tears. Only tears.

And that memories are forever.

There are days that I don't want to get out of bed. When the "a" key on my keybord doesn't work becuse lex dropped my computer. When I lay in bed because the blinds are open and the sunlight, although filtered, feels better than anything else will today.

I listen to Ashlyn's playlist that she sent me. The music washes over me like the sunlight, the sunlight tucks me into the covers like a mother, my mother texts me like a friend, and I have no real friends at college that I didn't already have. I have Grace and I have Alex and I have Michael and I have Ashlyn and that is enough for me.

And I've always laughed at the people who say that music is their life. No, it is not. Blood is your life. Food is your life. Water is your life. Your clothes, your shelter. Your education. These things are your life. Music is a part of your life, and maybe it is a big part of it. But it is by no means the biggest part.

I've always been extremely judgmental of other people.

They just bother me.

How can you not know your own faults? How can you not feel driven to improve?

What is the point of your being here if it's not to decrease world suck?

I hate people. I really, really do.

But I love them too. And I am hopeful.

And I recognize that even though I am hyperaware of my mistakes and my faults and my shortcomings, I am not any closer to fixing them than anyone else.

I don't want to be perfect.

I want to be the best that I can be.

I'm no where near that yet.

I could read more. I could be less judgmental. I could be less of a talker and more of a discuss-er. I could participate more. I could see me for how I am rather than how I used to be. I could give myself more credit. I could give strangers less. I could be more realistic rather than idealistic. I could cut Alex some slack when he messes up, because it's not his responsibility to always be right. He gets to mess up just as often as I do.

I could try to make friends. I could stop assuming that no one in college is like Ashlyn or Grace or Michael or me. Because no one is like them. No one ever will be. And that's okay. No one ever has to be.

I wish that I had tattoo money.

I would feel so much better if I had a physical reminder of these things.

Tattoos are just very important to me, and I feel the need to have one.

I don't know how else to describe this.

Also, these blogs usually end abruptly.

I don't like endings.

They're too much like goodbyes.

This Blog Is Brought To You By Nostalgia

I just finished reading

Will Grayson, Will Grayson and

The Perks of Being a Wallflower within T W E N T Y F O U R hours.

I devoured them.

They were both incredible.

You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.

That's beautiful.

That's honest.

That's what the world is really like.

The whole time I was reading Will Grayson, I was thinking about the world and how I am so small in it. It's a book that really puts things in perspective. I am Jordan Scaife, and there are a million-billion other Jordan Scaifes in the world, but none of them are me.

Isn't that wild?

You share a name-- the most intimate, vital part of your existence, the thing that other people identify you by, that you identify yourself by-- with other people, and that means N O T H I N G to the universe.

You are yourself.

So, last night, I learned a life lesson about being an individual. Coolbeans.

Perks of Being a Wallflower taught me how lonely it is to be an individual. No one is exactly like me. Therefore, no one quite understands me. No one will ever completely know me, my brain, or my heart.

And that's sad. It really, really is.

Because I have so many unique things to bring to the table, and you will only ever experience a handful of them. So much of me will always be a mystery to you.

You will never know me as well as you think you do.

And I will never know you.

It makes me sad. Sad sad sad.

But, I also think that trying to know people is important. Even if we are predetermined to fail, it is so important to try.

True failure is in the giving up of hope.

Success is in the chasing of it.

W I L D W E S T

When the end comes you'll see

Hydrogen electrolyzed

Amazing, you're amazed

At the cold you see,

The fire by your face.

Bitter blooms

Flightless skies

The fear the doom

It's no surprise

You realize there's no sense in losing your mind

Before your time

In order not to worry,

You write the words down.

But it's a fool's game and your game face is shameful.

So rise young sun, you're a tireless one

And you'll be back burning

When the morning comes,

When you catch my soul upon waking

Will you make a wish

For the wild west to accept the excess?

When the end comes you'll see

Fields of green beyond your reach.

And heartbeats...

So rise young sun, you're a tireless one

And you'll be back burning

When the morning comes

When you catch my soul upon waking

Will you make a wish

For the fool's game to equal his insane?...

I love Gregory and the Hawk.

This song is my life.