"I am going to take this bucket of water and pour it on the flames of hell, and then I am going to use this torch to burn down the gates of paradise so that people will not love God for want of heaven or fear of hell, but because He is God."
— John Green (Looking for Alaska)

That's what Christianity should be.

It's the religion I so desperately want to be a part of it.

But, it Does Not Exist, and that's what makes me so uncontrollably sad on a daily basis.

Catgirl Cleans Things.

My sink is piled with dirty dishes.

Before Alex left, he kind of mumbled-whispered-asked that I do the dishes while he was gone at a Kappa Sig meeting.

So I made a gaia account, played jigsaw, and then did the dishes.

Not because I think the dishes really need doing: we have microwave-safe plates and bowls, plenty of clean silverware, and a ton of plastic cups. Not because the sight of my kitchen is appalling; because it always is, even with an empty sink. And not because I particularly felt like doing it (which, for the record, I did not.)

Just because Alex mumbled-whispered-asked me to.

And I think that's what being a grown up is.

It's falling in love, and being intelligent enough to know it.

It's doing unpleasant things, like dealing with week-old bacon grease and semi-chewed particles of food, and not complaining about them.

It's knowing that there is no garbage disposal, so I'll need to pour a few tablespoons of bleach down the drain soon.

I feel very housewife-y.

And I'm surprisingly okay with it.

I really love this boy.

Dear Blog:

Today, I'm just tired.

I'm writing a review essay for english, and the topic I chose is Looking For Alaska by John Green.

I've been googling quotes from the book heavily. The words are more and more ingrained into me by the day.

Today, I am upset.

For reasons I cannot discuss over the internet, my mother may soon be leaving Texas to live in New Orleans.

By "soon," I mean at the end of Christmas break in January.

If she moves, I will of course move in with her.

That means that I will no longer be living with Alex.

I will get a job and pay rent every month and help take care of the dog she is bringing with her.

When her Alzheimer's gets out of control, I will care for my mother, too.

And I knew that all of this was going to happen eventually. I just didn't it expect it my first year of college.

And I know that this makes me a bad person, but I feel like I'm inheriting my mother's problems. Like the decisions she made in life that were not healthy for her to have made (*mistakes) have led her into this early life-decline.

And I know that this makes me selfish, but I wish that my older brother would step in more.

That's what elder children are for: to take care of their parents in old age. I'm the middle and the only girl. It's shouldn't be my job.

I am only eighteen.

My mother is a good, intelligent, witty woman that has fucked up more than once over the years.

And I will, as always, put my own life on hold in order to help with hers.

And I will, as always, only write my complaints here, where they are safe and hidden from my family's judgmental eyes.

And I will, as always, find a way to make her happy when she hits rock bottom.

Because I'm the middle child, and the only girl, and the only one that cares.

Yesterday, Alex turn twenty years old.

Today, we joked about going onto the Maury show and having Alex propose to me on National Television.

Lately, we've been talking a lot about kids and houses and other such grown-up things.

We have only been dating for two months and one week.

There is something about Alex that makes me strive for longevity and permanence.

I've never been the marrying sort.

But if Alex and I can last through our college years, then we'll just have to see.

Last night, I went to a fraternity thing at one of the Brothers' house.

I helped and I did things and when I logged onto facebook this morning, only the girls that were sororities had been thanked for their efforts.

That really upsets me, for reasons I'm not fully aware of.

I will not ever join a sorority.

It simply will not happen.

Besides the monthly due being outrageously expensive, I just don't like any sorority girl I've ever met (besides Victoria, she's a sweety. But "one in a million" aren't very good odds.)

They tend to be stuck up and moody and prissy.

There's a certain social stigma that you have to match as a sorority girls, and they seem to encourage being exact replicas of one another.

I don't want to be a face in the crowd.

And I don't want Kappa Sig to throw me pity-thanks.

So I won't mention it to any of them.

I'll just keep doing what I've been doing and hope that someone will have the class and good grace to thank me.

Dear Blog:

I've missed you.

Relationships.

I haven't figured out the balance between "clingy" and "distant" yet.

I mean, I'm trying really hard not to invade Alex's life.

Sometimes, I think he doesn't care about our relationship.

And I know that's not true. He just isn't as needy as I am.

I feel bad about it.

I dunno.

Blahblahblah.

It's So Fucking Easy.

It's so, so, sooooo easy to slip back into bad habits.

Because "Sick" isn't pretty.

But "Skinny" is.

Thin legs and small waists and thighs not touching when you're standing straight and collarbones and smaller arms and thinner cheeks and wearing whatever you want because everything looks good on skinny girls is pretty.

And I want so badly to be pretty.

I just don't know where my lines are drawn, yet.

But I want these pictures to be of me.

M E O W SAYS THE C A TGIRL.

Just when I thought I'd had college all figured out, it turns out that I have a whole 'nother semester to go. Life should come with a set of emergency instructions.

At the very least, I need someone to give me a definite list of options.

Srsly. I beast at multiple choice tests.

SAD FACE.

I'm scared that if I dye my hair brown, it will all fall out.

This thought is significant to my life.

That is all.