Alex doesn't want to live with my again until we both graduate.
I'm just heartbroken. This is what I've been looking forward to since May. Now I feel like there's no point in moving to Hammond or transferring schools or doing anything, really, because it's not going to get me where I want to be (ie: a lease with Alex.)

But I equally don't want to stay in Galliano and work at Sonic for the rest of my life. And I don't really want to be anywhere else, either.

I just was looking forward to getting back into the groove of living with my boyfriend, of going to sleep with him every night and waking up with him every morning. I'm so emotionally attached to all of his little habits that I won't get to experience from a separate apartment. I still can't remember to turn the lights off before getting into bed. That's Alex's job. Am I supposed to live for the next three years with the lights always on?

I'm not even sure where all of this came from. Last week, we were talking about living with Rob together. Now we're not going to live together until after graduation? I sincerely believe that he's just trying to slowly get me used to being on my own again so he can break up with me. It's becoming increasingly obvious that he's not into our relationship anymore.

And I'm just so tired of being confused and hurt and crying all the time. I just want my boyfriend. It's been so gratifying that, over the course of our relationship, people have seen us get through such tough shit and come out smiling. And I'm just so sad about so many things and I feel like I'm letting everyone down and like I'm fucking this relationship up and like I'm losing the love of my life to a steady downwards spiral of depression and inadequacy. I can't even get through a day at sonic without fucking something up. Do you know how many IDIOTS work at that fucking place? I'm supposed to be at least semi-intelligent, how do you fuck a job like this up? Anyone can walk a fucking tray of food out to a car and collect money. Why am I such complete shit at it?

I just don't understand how life could be so swell in May, and so shitty in August. I don't understand how long nights with Grace and Alex and laughter became long nights sobbing into my pillow. Where did this come from and how can I make it go away?

Things Are Just Really Fucking Hard Right Now.

I think about my mom a lot.
She has early-onset Alzheimer's, you know? She's about to turn 48 and she doesn't remember texting me last week about her trip to Missouri, she has to call and tell me all about it two or three more times, because she's not sure what she's already said. And it's just so fucking sad.

My step-dad abuses her. For a long time, it was physical, but he stopped when we left for that week back in Sophmore year. Now it's just mental and emotional.

And I don't even know how to explain to anyone else how all-consuming it is. My mother can barely go grocery shopping. Grady hates going to Wal Mart, but he also doesn't like for my mom to go anywhere by herself, because he's convinced that she's had some sort of boyfriend for the last decade (who apparently has followed her from Mississippi to Texas, even though she's "fat and ugly and nobody wants her but him.") So she has to, like, sprint through wal mart to find what she needs, get to check out, and get back home as quickly as possible, otherwise she "obviously" stopped along the way to have sex with her boyfriend.

My step-father is also a drunk, and is addicted to painkillers, which he is prescribed for his terrible shoulder and his knee problem.

And I just remember being on the Inside and seeing the dynamic between the two of them and understanding and finding it a little weird but otherwise okay. Now, I just don't get it. From the Outside, it just seems so twisted.

And, again, my mom has Alzheimer's. These are her last few years to make memories, you know? Really: this next decade will be the last one that she remembers. After this, it's all downhill. It's so sad to me that she's spending them with this man that doesn't make her happy and has never loved her.

Grady has stolen from my mother the best years of her life. They cannot be replaced.

I think that, from growing up watching all of this unfold, I have a lot of pent of anger and aggression towards men, and I know that I take that out on Alex a lot more than he deserves. But sometimes I genuinely see bits of my stepfather in him, and it scares me. I don't want to be like my mother. I don't want to wake up in thirty years and realize that it's too late to find anyone else, so I might as well hang out to the piece of shit I managed to snag. It's probably the most terrifying prospect of my life.

Mostly, I just wish that I still lived with Alex. Let's face it; my boyfriend is an asshole. It's a fact, not an insult. When I was living with him, he was around to hug and kiss me after hurting my feelings, and so there was no such thing as going to bed angry. But being a long distance asshole doesn't work the same way. I've spent so much of this summer just crying because of the hurtful things Alex has said to me. And it's not like he's acting any differently, he's just not here to see how it affects me. Normally, he can see the hurt happen. That's just not possible through a phone. And I hate to fight with him, but I'm also just so sick of crying.

I'm worried about furthering my relationship with Alex anymore, because I'm scared that if we move back in together, it'll complicate things with my mom. I sincerely believe that my mother will be living with me full-time before I'm through with college. Grady just isn't the nurturing type, and she's going to need more and more care as the years go by. So I'm trying to anticipate the bumps in the road before they get here, I guess? I just can't afford to send her to a nursing home, but I also don't think that Alex would be willing to live with his disabled maybe-future-mother-in-law. Besides how awkward it would be to be in a relationship under my mother's watchful eye, it just is weird to think about doing normal things like playing Zelda or cuddling or drinking or anything with Alex while my mom watches.

Maybe I'm just thinking things too far in advance?

I love you, blogville.