I come here sometimes to read back on my life; there are so many things I don't remember.
Like, I don't remember what Alex did on August 11th to make me post, "Thanks for ruining my day jerk."
I'm 90% sure that's the day we had a huge fight about JK Rowling which he turned into a fight about my inferior intellect and that was the last time we spoke to each out loud.
That weekend I went over to Gavin's house to watch Evil Dead and I decided that he was better as a friend and as a veritable stranger than Alex had ever been as a lover. Not a month later we had our first kiss and I moved in and Chesley posted a picture of us kissing on facebook and Alex saw it and dared call me all pissed off, "How could you?"
And I asked him, "Did I leave a jacket at your house last time I was there," knowing I hadn't, and he said, "What, this blue thing?" and realized who it was for before the words got all the way out of his mouth. I asked, "Did you cheat on me this summer," without a question in my tone and he snapped, "Would it matter? Would it change anything?"

And, God, it felt so liberating. I ripped him a new asshole for the very first time. I repeated every lie he'd ever said to me, all the way from, "I'm your boyfriend, I don't have to ask first," to "I think I over-estimated you as a person," to, "If I'd met Grace first I would have dated her instead," to every snide, "You're not smart enough to do that, if you lost 15 more pounds you'd be a knock out, no one else will put up with your attitude like I do," and I threw in every stupid thing he had ever done, every mistake I'd had to clean up for him, the way his parents had told him to his face that he had a lot to learn from me, and the way he'd used me as a person and as a sexual playground with or without my consent.
I will never forget his voice as he asked, "Will you at least believe that I cared about you?" in a voice that was just as small and meek as he had made me feel for the last year of my life.
And I told him no.

I have come so far since then. Two years ago I could not have accomplished all that I have today. I am leaps and bounds beyond some of my peers, and light-years behind many, but I don't take pleasure in measuring myself against others any more.
I own two cars, good cars that will run for at least another decade a piece. I owe nothing on them, I pay nothing but the insurance. I pay my own bills, including my cellphone. I virtually no debt, only the last of my student loan payments. I'm working on a savings account. I have awesome credit. I have my own apartment that I share with a wonderful fiance and two dogs and a cat. They stay up to date on their veterinary needs and eat a quality diet. I have paid vacation. I have health insurance through my employer. I have networking opportunities for careers I'm not even interested in.
I promised myself that Alex would be the last stupid decision I ever made. No more "because I'm lonely." No more "because it's the easiest option." No more "I didn't want to fight about it." Two years ago I listened to that piece of shit spew apologies and excuses at me through the phone and I realized that he had kept me compliant by making me feel small. I will never feel that way again.

I have been beaten and raped and threatened by various men since I was seven years old, and it has not been since these last two years, as a 20-21 year old woman that I have realized that it was a life I chose, not just how life is. I will never be a victim again. I will never let a man walk over me or look down on me.
God help the motherfucker that tries.